What it's like to be me.

If there is one thing that bothers me about people, it's that no one likes to be REAL. As in, show weakness, or inferiority, or failure, or struggles, or SIN.  I don't know anyone who enjoys broadcasting their failures, but everyone has them.  Everyone screws up, or has problems and struggles. The danger is when we try to hide them from others, put on a happy face, and act fine. That's what it is. Acting. And I am Public Enemy #1 for this. It's human nature, I think, to hide weaknesses and play up strengths. But it's just not REAL.

Our family has gone through a time of transition this year. Lots of minor changes that have made a huge impact on our lives. We've grown as a family, as parents, as a couple, and as ambassadors for Christ. Lots of good, heart-wrenching, difficult, but positive stuff.  We've really sought God's will and direction and He has answered faithfully. (He always does!) It's been an incredible year.

This morning, a sweet friend of mine met with me, and we shared our struggles, and we prayed together.  (Side note: I highly encourage every Christian woman to seek out at least one good, honest, loving friend to share your life with, keep you accountable, tell you when you are way the heck out in craycray-land, and PRAY with each other {Another side note: I said pray WITH each other. Not pray FOR each other. Although if you do the first, you can also do the second. But do it. Don't just say you will.} Lucky for me, I have more than one of those friends in my life).  In the course of our short catch-up conversation, she told me that when she looks at me, she sees a dream-come-true kind of life.  My family, my house, my job, my great haircut, etc...  and when she said that, there was no hint of jealousy, just love and admiration.  But her comment made me think.  Is that how people see me? Do people look at me and see the pretty, put-together, overall package of perfection? I have no idea, really, but I sure hope not. Because, I have ISSUES just like everyone else. I struggle with life. I struggle with my family, my marriage, my job, my attention span, my health.  And I want everyone to know.

This is what it's like to be me today. The inside of my body, from my ribs to my hips, is a hot mess. Like a battlefield. Like a nuclear war zone. Every.Single.Time.I.Eat.Food. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm frustrated. I'm literally at my wit's end. I have no answers. I've seen a specialist. We've done blood, we've done scans. I have scopes scheduled for next month. I expect no answers from those. Until then, I have medicine to "get me through." I have to make a choice at every single meal whether I want to deal with horrible stomach and intestinal pain and extreme discomfort for the next 5-6 hours, or take a pill that helps me digest food but makes me feel drunk.  Either way, something ain't right in there.

So what's it like to be me right now? It frickin' sucks. In a society that revolves around food and mealtimes, when food is your enemy, it's not much fun to be alive. When your stomach hurts all the time, it's hard to be pleasant. It's hard to tell someone that no, you can't eat the delicious-looking food they made for you because it makes you feel miserable.  It's hard to cook dinner for your family knowing you won't be eating it. It's hard to care much about anything or anyone else's problems. It's hard to focus on anything but the pain and after-effects of eating.  It's hard to live life.

I haven't always been this way. I've known about my dairy intolerance for years. I've always been able to control that by limiting or eliminating major dairy culprits from my diet. In the last three months, I've started experiencing more and worse symptoms, so I went super-strict and eliminated ALL dairy from my diet.  That includes almost all processed food, baked goods, and many seasonings.  But it didn't take away my symptoms this time. There is some other food that is tearing my insides to shreds. I tried for a few weeks to tough it out and just deal, and then my sweet, protective, worried husband put his foot down and made me call a doctor.

That's where I am right now. Waiting a month for my next round of tests. Until then, if you see me, I'll either be grumpy and in pain, or I'll be walking a little bit crooked. Or passed out on the ground because I couldn't decide which evil to choose so I just stopped eating altogether...

p.s. I'm not looking for advice or ideas or "it worked for so-and-so" or diets, so no need to leave comments to that effect. I won't publish them. Do feel free to leave encouraging bible verses and prayers! That is the REAL stuff I'm looking for!

Good Self / Bad Self / Crazy Self

So I’ve been running. Jogging, really, but it’s the thought that counts. Tonight at the beginning of our run, I commented to my running partner, “When we get right here, every single time, my legs start screaming at me to ‘STOP!!!!!’” “Me too!” she said, to which I admitted, “I actually have a running (pun totally intended) dialogue in my head the entire time I’m running.” “Me too!” She said.  So, I wrote it down so that you can share in my pain.

Start of typical 4-mile run

Good self: “Yay, I get to go run today/tonight! Nature! Birds Singing! Lake view! Yay!

Bad Self: “AGAIN?!?! I hate you. This sucks already. “

2/10 of a mile down the road (AKA Not-very-far)

Bad Self: “Legs hurt from knees to ankles. Quit now and you won’t even break a sweat. Then you won’t have to wash your hair before work tomorrow.”

Good Self: “It’s gonna be great. Set your pace and get your breathing under control and GO! Let’s do this!”

Bottom of first hill

Good self: “That was fun! Wind! Speed! Woohoo!”

Bad Self:” Uhhhh, how bout that hill you have to climb now!”

Top of first hill

Good self: “Woohoo! That was great! Broke a sweat, right on schedule!”

Bad self: “I’m still alive and I didn’t die. Yet.”

Mile 1

Good self: “Feeling good, getting my pace set”

Bad Self: “One mile is good.  Stop now.”

Mile 2

Good Self: “Yeehaw! I saw a deer and family of cute little foxes! And a weenie dog! And a bunny! I shall turn left and take the longer scenic route.”

Bad Self: “You can try, but you know you won’t last..”

Mile 2.5

Good Self: “Push through! Breathe deep! Keep going!”

Bad Self: “Seeeeeeeeee, I told you….”

Mile 3

Good: “Okay! One mile to go! You can do this! Keep going!

Bad: “Just stop already. It hurts. Legs. Stomach. Feet. The sweat!!!! Is dripping down your face!!!!! So Gross!!!!!

Mile 3.5

Good: “Almost there. Half a mile left. Push! Breathe!

Bad: “HALF A MILE LEFT?! Chest -- tightening….. breath -- gone….. gag reflex--standing by…….

Mile 3.75

Good: “I can see the end point! I can do this! In fact, I think I’ll sprint to the end! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!”

Bad: “Oh no you don’t.  I WILL make you puke. Don’t think I won’t do it!”

Mile 4

Good: “I DID IT!!!! I LOVE RUNNING!!!!!”

Bad: “Yeah, you did it. Big stinky deal. I still hate this and it still sucks. And now you smell.

All this happens with music playing in the earbuds.  It's a complicated place, the inside of my brain.

This story is [fantastically] awesome.

Let me tell you a story.  

There once was a [young, vibrant] mom who watched with joy as her two [healthy, happy] children grew up.  She survived the baby years, with their bottles, baby food, wacky sleep schedules, diaper bags, and vehicles loaded to the roof with gear for one dadgum overnight trip.  Along the way, she prayed for precious sleep, minimal ear infections, and an eventual return to a normal way of life.

She trudged through the toddler years, filled with [particularly painful] potty-training wars, playdates, and afternoon naps that dictated her life schedule.  She prayed for patience, patience, and more patience. And she longed for the day she could go more than a week without a trip to the zoo.

She entered the preschool years, filled with more playdates, less napping, and an obscene amount of hot dog- and grape-slicing.  She prayed for relief from food-cutting, and for the sustainment of naps.  She learned to appreciate the personalities of her unique, funny, and sometimes infuriating offspring.

She’s logged more pediatrician visits than she can count, paid for more chicken nuggets and fruit snacks than she cares to admit, and doesn’t even want to think about the number of diapers she contributed to the downfall of planet Earth.  She loaded that dang stroller into the car no less than 356 thousand times. She’s battled against strong wills, she’s asserted her authority, she’s cried with debilitating frustration, she’s laughed until she cried.  And she’s spanked butts that deserved it. [She still does.]

She survived the first dreaded Kindergarten entrance.  She shed more than a few tears over it, but watched with elation as child number one blossomed and grew in that scary and foreign environment.  She enjoyed the extra time with child number two as she adjusted to being in two stages at once.  Kindergarten passed quickly for child number one, and first grade loomed large.  As she realized child number two would enter Kindergarten in exactly one year, she saw her hourglass of time becoming bottom-heavy, as her children were growing up in front of her eyes.  And she started praying fresh prayers for direction. 

She thanked God for the blessings of the previous seven years of her life.  She marveled that she survived at times.  She remembered all the times she failed.  She laughed at the fun times behind, and her eyes shined brightly at the many ideas for the future.  She poured out her heart to God, revealing her desires to the only One who could possibly understand, surrendered her future, and left it all at the feet of her Father.  She threw out a few “I know this sounds crazy, but I really want to do this,” for good measure.  

And then she stood by and watched her God do exceedingly, abundantly more than she ever asked.  Even the crazy stuff.  She took a back seat and waited as the prep work, the timing, the specifics fell into place around her.  She watched as the exact plan God had for her was laid out before her like a series of precious gifts.  She rejoiced in her Father, who proved [again and again] the He hears her prayers, and desires to bless her if she will follow Him.  She felt [amazing, overwhelming] peace at her future.  She looked forward with excitement and anticipation. The temptation to look behind and feel sadness or regret faded with every forward step. 

She knows Who holds tomorrow.

And she is overflowing with Joy!

Learn something new every day

Before Christmas I ordered a little book from a clearance site, called "Songs from Heaven," thinking it would be a cute little devotional book about music to give as a gift.  When I flipped through it, trying to decide whose gifts needed padding (you know you do that too) I discovered the book is, in fact, a how-to on songwriting.  I claimed it as my own at that point and took it to my night stand where it has been gathering dust.

This morning I picked it up and started reading it.  An hour later I had written my first song on my ukelele.  Then I sat down at the piano and put a melody to a second set of lyrics I had jotted down.  Seriously. I'm not saying I'm any good at this, but it was a fun way to pour out some personalized praise to the Lord.

So, today I learned how to write songs.

What did you learn today?

Dangerous Discontent

I was reminded the other day about how easy it is to fall into discontentment.  It all started with my self-centered reflections of the things I wished I had done in my life.  You know the kind.  It's starts innocently enough.  "I wish I knew how to...", which then turns into "Why didn't I learn when..." which can be a very destructive downward spiral of "what ifs" and "I wish this was different.."

We all do it.  Here's where my mind wandered that day:

"I wish I had taken voice lessons in college. I also wish I would have taken a music-writing class.  Well dang, I should have just majored in music.  Then I would have more in common with more people and I could sing and write music and be famous and, and, and..."

It just kept going on from there.  But then, I stopped myself. And I took an inventory of what I DID do, back when I COULD have been majoring in music.  I majored in business finance instead. I got married to guy who probably wouldn't have wanted to hang out with a music major ;) If I hadn't married that guy, we wouldn't have the two awesome kids we have.  And I would not know anything about the supporting role I've assumed in running a business for that guy.  Because music majors don't learn accounting, taxes, banking, or budgeting.

And THAT is why I didn't major in music.  Took me about 11 years to realize it. Wait, no. I knew it all along. I just forgot while I was wallowing in discontent.

It's great when God stops you in your tracks of self-delusion and shows WHY you are where you are. And I am where I am because it's the right place to be, and the steps that led me here were the right steps to take.

Read less, read more, write more

I've decided. Although my decisions rarely stick long term, I still like to pretend. So I've decided to refocus my media time.

Less reading (on Facebook). Also less participating in other Facebook activities. Just less TIME in general on Facebook. As much as I enjoy the feedback (attention) I get from being funny, silly, or generally idiotic, it's such a big time-waster for me. I can receive that same validation in other areas. So, for a while, I'll back away. It never lasts long, I'll admit that. I'll delete the app from my phone until I "need" to check on something, someone, etc. Then I'm back. But I'm trying.

More reading (real books). I've started using the iBooks app and downloading a plethora of free classic titles. Last summer I read about 10 classic novels including "The Count of Monte Cristo," the entire "Anne of Green Gables" series, and several Jane Austen books. I also started a Chronological Bible-reading plan 107 days ago that I am enjoying immensely. Try reading the Bible chronologically someday in a "readers version" like New Living Translation. It flows so much like a story and really keeps you interested. Maybe even more if you are a history nerd like me!

More writing: I'm hoping to write here on my blog more. I love it so much when a blog post comes out the way I imagine. I enjoy hearing from readers that I impact with my posts. I have never particularly loved to write, but always got decent grades on papers and such. And sometimes I just have things to say. So this time, I replaced my Facebook app with the blogger app (with iBooks and YouVersion Bible right next to it) and will try to record my daily life anecdotes and such right here. Really it's for me. I love to go back a year or two and read stuff I wrote. Sometimes I don't even recognize it! Thing that seemed important when I wrote them are already forgotten. I'm thankful for a platform like this where I can record life and then go back and review it.

So that's what's UP.