Monday, September 13, 2010

Me, as a bullet list

Edit: I have read, re-read, and re-read this post before I decided to publish it. Please know that I mean to cause no offense, hurt feelings, to "type between the lines" or convey any hidden messages in my words. It's me being honest and open. It's just me. And as you will soon find out, I'm uncomfortable with it. This was very hard for me to share, but I really felt I needed to. Couldn't tell you why.

I'm so proud that my blog has 16 followers. All of them I know personally, but all are from a different stage in my life. Some I haven't seen in years, some I just saw tonight. Some I know from college, some from childhood, some from church in another town, and others are in my daily social circle. And as different as all of those 16 (and I know there are more who read), people are, they all know different things about me, see different sides of me, have different memories of me, and think they know me. But I started thinking today, no one person in this world truly knows me. Many may think they do, and many know parts of me, and some may not know anything except what I publish here. So in honor of my followers, readers, friends, and acquaintances, here is a bullet list for you.

~ I was born in Tyler, grew up here, left here for college, married a boy from here, and said I would never come back. Then I had kids, and everything changed. Most of my family lives here, which translates to grandparents, which translates to HELP, and free babysitting. I am blessed.

~ I went to Williams Baptist College in Walnut Ridge, AR. I went there for one year, and then got married. We moved to Austin, TX after that and I finished school at Concordia University. But I still have fond memories of that tiny little campus in the middle of a field surrounded by Arkansans who thought we were crazy for going to school so far from home.

~When I finished school in Austin, we couldn't wait to get out of that city. It is home for some people, and it isn't for some people. It wasn't for us. We moved to Fort Worth, TX, close to my mom and extended family. Both of our kids were born there, and we had a good three-ish years there. But home was still calling us, and it wasn't there either.

~ I have partial high school amnesia. Or maybe it could be called selective memory. High school was bad for me. I went to a great school and had great friends, and great activities going on, but it was hard. My family fell apart during those years and I learned the hard way how to cope with tragedy and anger. It's more than any child should have to bear, and sometimes I feel cheated out of my childhood. My siblings and I grew up too quickly and still carry the baggage from those years. I don't say this make anyone feel guilty, or to place blame. It's just part of who I am.

~ My husband is the complete polar opposite from me. Except when he is exactly like me. The necessary qualities I lack, he possesses. And what he needs, I have. There are qualities we both don't have, and there are things we both have. It's an amazing relationship with so many intricacies that no human matchmaker could ever find. And for that, I praise God. And I also thank God in advance for preparing spouses for my children in the same way. I may grumble and complain sometimes, (yes, I do that) but there is no one who completes my soul and heart like my beloved.

~ Believe it or not, I am not a very emotional person. In some ways, I can be, but mostly I have a hard time connecting with people on a level where I can share emotions. In fact, situations that call for appropriate amounts of emotion (the women know what I mean here!) make me extremely uncomfortable. I do okay in small groups with close-knit friends and prayer warriors, but in larger groups I get nervous, and almost always say something stupid, strange, or otherwise awkward. I deflect emotion by inserting humor. I'm learning to deal with this, and this process has been painful.

~ Things that make me cry are: music, happy memories that I wish I could relive, feeling judged or misunderstood. I take myself a little too seriously, and when someone tells me or insinuates that I am not good enough, it upsets me deeply. Then it just makes me angry.

~ I absolutely detest drama. I don't understand it. It's pointless and exhausting. Women are notoriously bad about this, and it makes me ashamed to be a woman sometimes. With drama comes conflict. Conflict makes me physically ill. So naturally, I avoid it.

~ I think people get a wrong impression that I am organized, put-together, and good at time management. In reality, I am a terrible housekeeper, a huge time-waster, and not very good at paying bills on time, answering phone calls or emails, or remembering to attend events that I signed up for. And since I can't work on every aspect of my life at once, I am working on the housekeeping thing. That's enough for my little brain to handle.

~ I have a very deep spiritual relationship. So deep that I can't even put it into words. I think thoughts that make so much sense to my soul, but my mouth cannot put words to them. It's like Jesus and I have our own language-- the unspoken language of understanding. And I'm realizing that as I get older and my relationship grows, it gets even deeper and even harder to explain. Which is, perhaps, God's way of keeping my heart his own. I can't share those thoughts with anyone else, so I treasure those things. Hide them in my heart. Commune with Him in the secret, quiet place that is my soul. Strange to some, maybe. But I think I know what it means to hide his word in my heart (Psalm 119:11). His word is alive, and he IS the word, so therefore, he is IN my heart. (John 1:1-2) I'm not saying that I feel like I have "arrived" spiritually. I haven't, and never will. I'm saying I know Jesus, and he dwells within my being. It is the greatest gift I've ever been given.

Hmmm. I can't really top that last one. I'm a complex person, just like you, and everyone else. I have sides, I have layers, I have a shell. I'm a paradox. I'm predictable. I'm deep. I'm stoic. I have feelings. I hide them. I'm confident. I'm insecure. I'm unpredictable. I'm of the line of Adam. A sinner, a miserable sinner. Thank you Lord for Jesus, and his redemptive sacrifice. Otherwise, I'd have no chance.

3 comments:

Liz said...

Lexi,
Are you sure we're not sisters? :)

Puddles and Bugs said...

I love you Lexi and I have learned so much more about you from this post. You are an awesome person in every sense and I am blessed to know you and call you my friend!

Texas Angel said...

Lexi,

Awesome!! I am sure it was hard to manage to get that blog in as few bullet points as you did! :-) I think all women are complex. Because we wear so many hats. We have to be mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, manager, or whatever else hat we are called to wear.

I think sometimes we expect more out of ourselves than other people do. We think we have to be "perfect". Perfect home, perfect kids, perfect job, etc. At the end of the day when you are falling into bed exhausted and feeling like you have utterly failed at perfection just remember WHOSE you are. And He is weaving a beautiful tapestry out of your life. Trust His handiwork. Because it is a beautiful thing!! Love you sweetie! Michelle R.